Guess the price of this knuckle sandwich!

LAST week, a panel of doctors at the Center for Disease Control announced that they have discovered that some people have a natural immunity to swine flu. These people are the elderly. Yes, my good friends, apparently many old-timers can’t get the H1N1. This is shocking and frankly a tad appalling to me. I like old people, but the idea that their bodies are better apt to handle a “deadly new virus” seems to run contrary to any common sense I thought I might have gained over the years. In nature- and more importantly on the Discovery channel- the more along in years a member of an animal group is, the more likely it gets thinned out. That’s the way the world works, right?

Well I just couldn’t accept these new swine flu findings, and after hours of grueling research- specifically, five to ten minutes- I had come to the conclusion that these quacks at the CDC could be onto something. In the US, 64% of diagnosed swine flu cases are in persons between the ages of 5 and 24.  That’s the demographic of people who think poop is hilarious. On the other hand, the percentage of diagnosed swine flu patients 65 and older is just 1%. I hope it’s clear that this, ladies and gentlemen, raises new and very troubling questions.

As I have learned, the truth of swine flu is far more devious then anyone could have dreamed. Apparently, the AARP designed this virus to attack the younger members of the human race. Whether this is a spiteful strike against the kids who walk on their yards, or a misguided plea for attention, is not yet clear. Put the pieces together though, and you’ll find that they fit like a pair of Depends. The idea for swine flu has floated around retirement communities for years, but any real advances have been thwarted by the need for naps and local diners offering early bird specials. However, finally the day would come, when H1N1 would be ready to be unleashed on the MTV generation. But who amongst the arthritic schemers would be the triggerman? He would have to have savage cunning, the ability to think on his feet and an unbreakable ‘never say die’ work ethic. The choice was clear. Only one man could pull off that which needed to be done. That man was Bob Barker.

The call went out that day and Bob quickly signed on. Shortly thereafter, he quit The Price is Right and hopped a plane for Mexico, the test site for swine flu’s effectiveness. The plan worked perfectly, and no one even suspected the real culprits. Until today.  I have put my life at great risk imparting this tale to you. I know I will not be here to see the end result of this age war— I can hear the walkers scratching their way to my apartment door even as I type these words. I ask only this: don’t let my sacrifice be in vain! Find Bob Barker and the mature minds at the AARP, and make them accountable for their nefarious plot!