IN the summer of 2008, the former White House administration commissioned the highly secretive, elite Interagency Panel on Imminently Threatening Threats.  Under the political screen of the 2008 presidential election, the IPITT was able discreetly to take control of the CIA, FBI, Department of Homeland Security, Blackwater, Google, UPS, and HTTPS. With this unprecedented power, the IPITT was assigned the task of quantifying and qualifying the Imminently Threatening Threats facing our nation.

Under the stalwart leadership of President George W. Bush, the IPITT consolidated some of the most brilliant minds of our nation, including tactical military experts, scientific Nobel laureates, stigmata-blessed creationists, and Tom Cruise. The secret behind the creation of the IPITT was the incredible discovery of what the country’s leading Antediluvian experts believed to be Noah’s Ark, buried in the sediment under the Grand Canyon. Most alarmingly, inside the Ark was found the New Book of Mormon, foretelling of the Apocalypse set to envelop the Earth on April 20, 2009, sometime in the afternoon.

When a senior official first leaked the IPITT secrets to Ennui Magazine, we were torn. Several high-ranking members of the Obama administration have harassed and threatened the lives of Ennui staff members and their pets. Mandrake, our lead correspondent, mysteriously disappeared. According to our sources, he currently resides under administrative detention in the new Guantanamo Bay located somewhere in Venezuela. Worse yet, we believe the office cat Bubbles has been brainwashed and is now operating as a double agent who no longer likes his yum-yums unless they are tuna-flavored. However, threats notwithstanding, we feel that it is our duty to report to the American public the sobering reality of the challenge about to face our nation and our planet.

Ladies and Gentlemen, concerned citizens, the Apocalypse is imminent!

According to the IPITT analysis of the New Book of Mormon, the end of the world will begin with a titanic struggle between two unstoppable forces- Zombies and Vampires- who will mysteriously strike at all our nation’s major cities just after the Rapture. By initially infecting a Rapture-unworthy rabble of heathens and homosexuals into their ranks, the Zombies and the Vampires will mercilessly sweep across the United States.  If we are to accept previous case studies of such struggles, a lot of us will die in this initial onslaught.

More alarmingly, the Russians will use our moment of weakness to impose their long-desired hegemonic ambitions on the helpless West. In mere hours, under the guise of battling with the forces of Satan, the Crazy Ivan will obliterate America’s defenses and unleash an unstoppable ground invasion via Alaska. Once the dust settles and we step out of our fallout shelters, we will be confronted with the shocking reality of the new world order. We will wake up to the Land of the Free being brutally subjugated by the Great Bear, gleefully spilling his borsht and caviar onto the defenseless luscious rug of the Oval Office.

It will be a time of darkness and despair for all Americans; however, if we can sublimate ourselves and gain the favor of either the Vampire or the Zombie factions, we may be able to leverage them enough to wrest the post-apocalyptic advantage from the Vicious Vladimir’s ferocious grip. Gaining the favor of the satanic factions will not be easy, and it will require a difficult choice on your part. You will have to decide either to sublimate yourself to the Zombies and cultivate the human young for their brains, or provide your virgin daughter’s blood for the Vampires.

How should you make this choice? Which ungodly beast best fits your personality? The pros and cons can get pretty complicated when dealing with the supernatural, and we are here to help. Remember, this guide is not just for your own selfish benefit- our recommendations are designed to help the free world defeat the Evil Empire.  So, please take this information very seriously, and under no circumstances must you divulge to anyone our strategy, tactics, or tactical strategy.

The Zombies Clan- a portrait of a slovenly artist with a vitamin deficiency

According to its portrayal by the liberal media, the Zombies clan should deserve only your utmost disgust. This malnourished, poorly dressed rabble has continuously been an object of scorn among the East Coast elitists; however, according to the New Book of Mormon depictions and Tom Cruise’s riveting eyewitness corroboration, many of the stereotypes commonly attached to the Zombie clan are cruel, shallow, and misleading.

Zombies have staved off their own corpses from rotting for sometimes thousands of years, and keeping a moose head looking lifelike past its prime is child's play in comparison.

For instance, you are probably familiar with the Zombies’ lust for brains, a transgression that should obviously be added to the cons list in social etiquette, but did you know that Zombies are artisan taxidermists?  This is technically ‘playing with one’s food’ – therefore another con to the list;  still, it certainly must be noteworthy for anyone interested in the art of sculpting or autopsy. If you are an enthusiast in either of these activities, then you should try to set aside your natural derision for the Zombies’ outward appearance and despicable social conduct, at least enough to maintain a careful, arms-length appreciation for the clan’s impressive cultural contributions.

It is common knowledge that Zombies don’t have the best motor skills.  The New Book of Mormon tells us that this is because the Zombies’ neurons and their entire central nervous systems are in a constant state of rot. Thus, the Zombies’ lust for brains is in fact the mere natural result of a vitamin deficiency, which we can, for the purpose of this article, simply call vitamin Brain.

Far from the typical lazy McDonald’s-grubbing American citizen, Zombies are both health conscious and highly motivated.  You have heard the phrase, “I’ll rest when I’m dead”; well, the Zombies have taken that process one step further.  They are not the quickest of the soulless monsters, but their slow speed is not for lack of trying.  As modern athletes are always on the lookout for health foods that will boost their performance, so too are Zombies.  Unfortunately for us, the most nutrient-rich food source for the Zombies is the human brain.

As for the Zombies’ talent with taxidermy, it is a natural application of the advice that artists should work with what they know.  Zombies have staved off their own corpses from rotting for sometimes thousands of years, and keeping a moose head looking lifelike past its prime is child’s play in comparison.

Other Artistic Passions- practical applications

Taxidermy is not, however, the Zombies’ only artistic passion.  Perhaps because of the Zombies’ tragic day-to-day struggle with motor skills, their most highly admired art is dance.  Contrary to the assumptions one may make because of pop-culture exposure, Zombies do not like Michael Jackson, but rather prefer Gene Kelly.  If you are ever confronted by a Zombie without the possibility of escape, tap dance.  If you are good enough they will spare your life, but you must beware— you have to be a very good tap dancer to impress a malevolent, envy-struck Zombie.

Loner Vampire Philistines

In contrast to the liberal media’s inaccurate portrayal of Zombies as brutish Michael Jackson fans, the media’s portrayal of Vampires as obsessed with nothing but blood and sex is actually quite accurate.  Vampires do not appreciate tap dancing or taxidermy; they do not like the arts at all.  They are sullen philistines and generally keep to themselves when not indulging in blood lust, or lust lust.  However, due to their superior intelligence and never-ending life experiences, Vampires have developed a number of crippling psychological complexes that inhibit both their blood lust and their lust lust.

Hypochondria- the Bane of the Vampire

Due to their superior intelligence and never-ending life experiences, Vampires have developed a number of crippling psychological complexes that inhibit both their blood lust and their lust lust.

One would think that a soulless creature that can never die would have no reason tobe a hypochondriac, but if one were to think this, one would be wrong.  Vampires are paranoid about catching HIV, the bird flu, and just about every other virus and infection known to man.  There is no virus in existence that can kill a Vampire, but they do get sick like everyone else, and boy do they complain when they catch a cold. This is because due to their unnaturally endless lives, the Vampires are always afraid that once they get sick, they will simply never get well again.

As a result of their fear of contracting an illness, the Vampires nearly always keep to themselves. This crippling agoraphobia results in little to no social structure, customs, or needless to say, any appreciation for the arts.  Despite the vast intelligence that Vampires acquire throughout their never-ending lives, they devote almost all of their mental energy to their hypochondria.  The only exception to this obsession is when they attract humans for sex or for blood feasts.

Destructive Sexual Proclivities- practical applications

Not surprisingly, when engaging in sexual activities, the Vampires are notorious for frowning on the use of condoms. Obviously, any such safe-sex practices seem silly if you know that your sexual encounter will end with you drinking a liter of your lover’s blood— as the Vampires’ favorite saying goes, “why mess up the motion of the ocean with a wet suit if you’re going to drink in the salt water anyway?”  However, with all of their derision of condoms, Vampires are very insistent upon other forms of birth control. The salient reason for this is that just as Vampires don’t get old, they also don’t grow up.  You think it’s hard raising a baby? Try dealing with a newborn for the rest of eternity, and hope that you won’t have twins.

Of course, as any responsible role model can tell you, abstinence is the only 100% effective form of birth control. And considering the average vampire’s Yearly Deflowering Record (YDR), accidents can and do happen. In this regard, Vampires constantly need babysitters.  So if you are a sixteen-year-old girl, you can in relative safety stand to make quite a bit of money serving vampiric households, provided that you first make sure to lose your virginity to the mailman, and wear extra ugly makeup while on the job. This makeup bit is particularly important- our records indicate that alarming numbers of Vampires have expressed fetishistic fascination with babysitters. If you are not careful then you will most likely be screwed, and unprotectedly so.  If you are ugly, but not fit to be a babysitter, then consider taking up medicine– the Vampires are always looking for the remedy to the common cold, the bird flu, and AIDS.

If you aren’t smart enough to become a doctor, then tell the Vampire that is trying to drink your blood that he is just overcompensating because his father never loved him.  Most Vampires have a deranged Oedipus complex, and the more psychoanalytic you sound, the better.  There is a war between the Freudian Vampires and the Jungian Vampires, so whatever you do, do not get yourself stuck in this argument.  Otherwise, you will likely be sodomized angrily, before being made into a quadriplegic Vampire gimp.  The Vampires have fetishes man couldn’t imagine in his wildest imagination, and let our own correspondents’ experience tell you firsthand that you don’t want to be on the receiving end of these ‘experimentations’. As Mandrake has recently stated in a smuggled, bloodstained communiqué, “There are some orifices that should never be filled with pickled herring.”

Strategic Tacticology

As you can see, the post-apocalyptic clans of Vampires and the Zombies are nuanced communities, replete with traditions, strengths and weaknesses. If carefully leveraged, they can provide the necessary conditions to defeat the Nefarious Nikolai. Now, at this point some of you might be thinking about willingly joining into the ranks of either Vampires or Zombies. If all of us become like them, the argument goes, we can get rid of the Russians faster than Sean Connery can say “Do Svedanya.”

Of course, such reasoning is stupid, and more so, it is un-American. Obviously, just as you can’t be an atheist and an American, or a socialist and an American, you clearly can’t be a Zombie or a Vampire and also be an American.  To defeat the Russians as Vampires would not be defeating them as Americans, and if we Americans can’t defeat the Russians as Americans, then I might as well rape my daughter now and call her Swedish.

So, obviously, appeasing the Vampires and the Zombies enough to leverage them against the Conniving Konstantin can never and should never translate into any genuine friendship, or God forbid, interbreeding. This is especially important if you remember that being the soulless creatures they are, both the Vampires and the Zombies share a disturbing commonality with the Russians. Nevertheless, just as we once utilized the help of the Russians to kill the Nazis, we can and should use the Vampires and Zombies to kill the Jews Nicaraguans Russians.

Of course, we have to be especially careful in making sure that neither the Zombies nor the Vampires decide to throw their lot in with the Villainous Viktor. The Zombie-Vampire-Russia alliance would be disastrous for the future of our nation, and this possibility is made all the more worrisome, once you consider the Vampires’ and the Zombies’ political and social leanings. For instance, due to the Vampires’ hypochondria they believe in socialized medicine, and due to the Zombies’ interests in the liberal arts they are near Communists themselves.

Clearly, if left to their own reasonings, these satanic beasts might very well join up with the Perfidious Pyotr!  In order to prevent such a dangerous travesty we must disseminate such information that would strategically encourage these satanic factions to prefer the consumption of Russians over Americans. After all, the stomach is both the Vampires’ and the Zombies’ primary motivator- therefore we must leverage this motivation with a massive propaganda campaign, aimed at convincing the Vampires and the Zombies that Russian blood, like Russian vodka, is simply a finer product, while Russian brains have 35% more vitamin Brain per pound.

Conclusion

As you can see, our post-Apocalyptic future is fraught with difficulty. It will take great self-sacrifice on the part of all of you to weather the storm that is to come. It’s important to remember that this battle is essential to our dignity as Americans, and therefore the future of mankind in general. However, though all the trepidations that are to come, always remember the New Book of Mormon’s final revelation- that after the Russians are wiped out and the Zombie and Vampire factions turn on each other, Jesus will stage his spectacular return on December 21, 2012, in Topeka, Kansas, between 6 and 9 pm.

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This report was compiled by Mandrake, Harvey, and Pavlov. If questioned, both Harvey and Pavlov will claim that they do not exist- they are merely figments of Mandrake’s enhanced interrogation-induced imagination.