Last week, a panel of doctors at the Center for Disease Control announced that they have discovered that some people have a natural immunity to swine flu. These people are the elderly. Yes, my good friends, apparently many old-timers can’t get the H1N1. This is shocking and frankly a tad appalling to me. I like old people, but the idea that their bodies are better apt to handle a “deadly new virus” seems to run contrary to any common sense I thought I might have gained over the years.

Anyone who has ever spent time in the trenches of customer service dodging shrapnel from viciously hurled rudeness grenades and snide comment-tipped bullets, has dreamed of revenge. Working at a low pay job is balls. Having to put on a happy face as a total stranger ravages you with personal attacks because your store doesn’t carry latex ear muffs is an ugly torture.

Who among the minimum wage slaves hasn’t fantasized about giving a vilely abrasive old man the finger as he berates you, the lowly K-mart employee, about the Un-American practices YOU are responsible for in only stocking PLASTIC FUCKING HANGERS!

Researchers reported Wednesday that prescription drug residue has been found in the tissue of fish inhabiting the areas around five waste-water treatment plants in the U.S. The chemicals found in our small gill-breathing friends included medicines for high cholesterol, blood pressure, bipolar disorder and depression. Coincidentally, the study pointed out that the tested fish were models of good health and serene temperament.

…Just joshing, people, drugs don’t work on fish! Duh! Although the report published by the journal “Environmental Toxicology and Chemistry,” did say that even small amounts of prescription drugs could harm aquatic life, the details of said harm were not elaborated on. Or maybe they were, I just sort of skimmed it.

THE Killeen Furtney Group announced that they will no longer represent Nadya Suleman as of Friday. Ms. Suleman came to national attention recently as the bat-shit crazy woman who gave birth to a litter of eight earlier this month.

Killeen has represented Suleman pro bono since the octuplets popped out of her screw-ball vagina. As anger has risen over the birth of these children, the Furtney group has received upwards of a hundred angry messages and e-mails, including graphic death threats. “They’d put me in the wood chipper and throw me in the bottom of the ocean and hope I die,” Furtney said. Having the keen eye of public relations that they do, Furtney made the decision to drop Nadya Suleman as a client.

TIMES are tough. Five out of five shitty if you will. The fact is, unemployment is higher than Urkel’s pants and every day some new corporation is throwing in the towel while our government hemorrhages more and more money in the background.
Now, in trying times like these, the world can get a little heavy for this Old Duke, and as you might have guessed, the only known remedy for this [...]